As it is obvious, I'm dealing with my faith. I wish I wasn't. I wish I could feel and behave like the people you see in service with big smiles who seem to have it all together. But, I don't. My prayers as of late have been simple, "Lord, I want to love you. Help me." However, I can't help but be disappointed with God. I can't help but see a heartless bastard allowing injustice or pain in the world and in my personal life. I have many faults and shortcomings. You could probably trace these issues from a text book dysfunctional family. In a nutshell, how could I be so fucked up by choices I did not make? Why do I pay the cost?...in relationships, in my attitude, in my condition? God allows and, at times, directly leads us through trials. If he knew I'd fail, is it not his fault? If I can't make it, if I am constantly fucking up, why do You persist this shit to continue? I have trouble loving a god like that. I want to be good. I am not. That is why I have all this anger and rage inside. That is why I say fuck it. My dear mother has been to hell and back again. So, naturally, I asked her why she is not disappointed with god. Her response, "well...I choose not to be." How committed is she to a distant and far off god. I don't know if I can do that. I love my mom. I would not let any harm come to her. If god loves my mom more than I do, then why would he let evil things happen to her? I don't understand a love like that. I believe in god...so, to follow him or not to...I guess follow, I don't want to go to hell. It sucks when avoiding hell becomes the rational to choose god. If the cross is the example of how much god loves me, then he is in love with a fucked up kid who is having trouble loving him back. | 
